The first two days home I mostly slept, with attempts to bring my gear in from the car a bit at a time, and then when it was all in, getting it cleaned up and reorganized for next time. Slowly I have been recovering, but I haven’t gotten any real energy back yet and I’m not sure that I’m going to. Not taking my vitamins every day doesn’t help any, but I have this memory that doesn’t hold on to much any more so forgetting to take them is a frequent occurrence. Notes don’t help, either…. they got misplaced or moved and that does it for that. Over the last few days I’ve managed to get some things done around here… one morning I cleaned up the kitchen, took the plants from there outside for the summer, and put up a bamboo blind to try and cut down some of the sun that is coming in; another morning I was only able to do a couple of loads of laundry and I was wiped; today Chris helped me to put up 3 bamboo blinds outside, and I rearranged and cleaned up the porch area, getting it ready for the 3-shelf planter and the plants that Mom is giving me (she and Dad sold their house and are moving to a much smaller place, and she doesn’t want the responsibility of caring for them anymore), as well as going through some more of my camp stuff and re-organizing it (I’m founding out a little more each time I camp what is really needed and what is just extra weight), and that is it for today. I am now officially wooped, although I feel “the day isn’t even 1/2 over and already you are wiped?”, but that is how I feel every day and it is something I’m getting used to. One of these days I”ll accept that I do the best that I can each day, and if it is “nothing” in comparison to what others do, then well it is alright because to me it was a Great Something, and I’m grateful that I had the energy to do even that.

No new word on my Disability claim (I started it almost 2 months ago, filled out all the paperwork, had my psych evaluation and my physical evaluation) – I know it is a waiting game. I expect to be denied, and then we will appeal. If I am denied again, I’ll appeal again, because I cannot work (hell I can’t even get through a day at home with no other responsibilities than to care for the home itself) and our household certainly needs the money. I am grateful for a home, transportation for Rob to get to work, and the ability to pay our utility/grocery/gasoline bills/needs, please let me state that first. I am also grateful that I am not more ill than I presently am (things could be a lot worse, I know). I am definitely learning how to live life without money, and frankly, it isn’t so bad — I’m very much aware of what is important and not important in my life (hence the massive purging of STUFF that I’ve been doing over the last 6 months or so), but I would like to be able to attend some of the events that happen in my life without having to worry “are we going to be able to make the mortage or the car payment if we do this?” I suppose that eventually even that will disappear as either I will no longer have an interest in those things because I know in advance I cannot afford them, or our lives will change in such a manner that the means to be able to attend will make itself available. We’ll see.

Enough for today.

For now I try to get a little bit done each day – wash dishes or do laundry or dust — not all on the same day. That is what is so discouraging….. only being able to do one thing a day. I’ve been trying to get rid of my A-personality, because it makes me feel guilty for “not doing anything” or “not getting enough done”, and it is slowly going away, but vestiges of it are still there and I won’t be sad when it is completely gone. Of course, this means dishes in the sink are passed over, and the laundry pile is ignored, and the dust on the furniture gets a bit much at times, but it is the obsessiveness that caused a lot of my mental issues, which in turn acerbated the physical issues, and I’ve just got to let it all go.

In other news, my Orc Hunter is now level 80 in World of Warcraft, and I have almost completed the Exploration Achievement! Next I’ll be working on my Mage to get her up and causing mischief and mayhem in the lives of her enemies.

With the new year I’ve tried to turn over new leaves and start a new life – one that doesn’t have stress, anxiety and bullshit in it. Funny how even when you deliberately choose to leave those things behind in your life, they follow you anyway.

I started going to drum circles at a local store here in Ocala (Realms Beyond ) and met up with Brian Morse, who has been involved with Shining Wheel Pagan Chorus and has been a musician for most of his life, I believe. He was wanting to start a band, called Treblehawk, and needed a bass player. I’d always wanted to do that, so I traded my Ibanez 12-string in for a Fender Squier jazz bass and went from there. I really enjoyed the music that we created and things were going fine with the folks he brought into the band, until the ugly head of judgement and ego came in and frankly, I wasn’t there for “competition” – it isn’t what music is for me – and so I left. It was fun while it lasted, but…… my music is to make me happy, and not to stress me out or give me unending anxiety, and that is what was happening so it was simply better if I just went. Apparently I didn’t make that much of an impact with the band as no one said “oh sorry to see you go we’ll really miss you.” Kinda the story of my life.

So now I’m playing music for me — learning songs and writing songs and enjoying my time. I play WoW again, and have some Horde toons that I’m enjoying.

Physically I’m still all fucked up. Since I ran out of cannibis 2 weeks ago my restless leg syndrome has come back, as has a lot of my nerve pain. I asked those that I knew who partake, and for some reason no one could help me out (either didn’t answer me or flat out said no). Nice friends. I then ordered from legalbuds.com, and well, suffice to say it isn’t what they sell it to be. So now I have this crap I’m trying to use until we can get enough cash for me to go out and try to find what Does help me. Then, this last weekend, I had people say to me “oh you should have let me know! I know someone!”. I told them I Did ask them, and they said “oh I never saw that e-mail/post”. Ok. Sure. Gotcha.

So sometimes I’m really upbeat and positive, but most of the time I’m depressed and angry at life. I try not to be, because negativity only breeds negativity – but it seems to be the easier road to walk.

You will never know from me,
Because I cannot bring myself to tell you.
You could run away, or hate me,
Or laugh at me, in my confession.
I don’t want to see the look on your face
As you try to, however kindly,
Tell me that you cannot take what I have offered you.

You would try to be kind,
Because you are my friend,
And above all I know this to be true.
But you would still, in your kindness,
Place the blade so gently into my heart,
That I would die from the care that you take.

I can hear your voice in my head,
Speaking my name so casually, so friendly;
“You know that you are my special friend.”
Yes, I know, and I am afraid that if I tell,
If I say what is so heavy in my chest,
What is shouting to come from behind my eyes,
That our easy trust, our camaraderie, our bond,
Will be thrown out like so many meaningless words.

And I couldn’t stand that.
And I don’t know what is worse. To love you
And watch you always only be my friend, or to tell you
And watch you walk away from me forever.
And worse yet – to see you with someone else
And to always listen to the rushing of my poisoned blood.

So for now,
Since I don’t know,
I will stay quiet.
I will wear my same face for you –
The one you have come to trust.
I will always be just where you expect me to be –
Solid, strong, kind and loving –
And you will never know from me
What you do not need to know.

11/26/96

And…. I’m very, very emotional and my thoughts are all over the place. Yesterday I was so upset at my continued illness and the fact that Richard and Robert have to deal with all of this – especially Robert. They both work so hard, and are such good people – they don’t deserve to have a crazy person in their lives like this. I was at the point of walking away – going for a walk into the woods and not coming back – and just letting my life end however it may. I’m so tired. My whole life I’ve kept going and going no matter what. I’ve taken care of myself or made sure that I was taken care of by one means or another, and I was tired of always having to be the responsible one for myself – having to be the one that comforted, or helped, or lifted up or took care of the problem. I didn’t want to do it anymore, and I was on the verge of actually getting dressed to go outside and walk and walk until I couldn’t walk anymore, when Robert came into the bedroom and put his arms around me and I just started sobbing and couldn’t stop – and I told him everything. Everything I was feeling and thinking – about his deserving more, about Richard deserving more, about how I just wanted to walk away and cease to exist. He comforted me and told me I wasn’t going anywhere and that he was happy with me and I asked him “right you’re happy with someone who is either sleeping or crying all of the time” and he said yes and wouldn’t let go of me but just held me until I started believing him. What a horrible, horribly bad day yesterday was.

Today I’m better, a little. I still didn’t get more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep, and right now I’m so tired but my legs and arms have the underlying current and I know I can’t sleep. I’m waiting for my doc to call me back, as I called her like she asked me to but of course she is busy so couldn’t answer her phone. That is alright – she will. And I’ll tell her everything, and hope that she says something that makes sense to me.

When am I ever going to get my emotions under control again? Will I ever be able to.

I got the things I have made so far up on E-Bay. Here is the link if you are interested:

http://shop.ebay.com/merchant/merenwentari_W0QQ_nkwZQQ_armrsZ1QQ_fromZQQ_mdoZ

I cut out the main pattern from the pattern paper today for the tunic/skirt/pant/scarf set. Right now I have sizes 20W – 28W, but after I get done cutting the individual patterns on pattern paper and then get at least one set (20W) done, then I”ll go and get the smaller patterns and do the same thing. This set can be made out of so many different fabrics, and the cut it pretty universal, so I imagine once I get started it will go well. I’m also going to get a Cape pattern that I like and see about selling those in different fabrics, as well. One never knows what will go well.

Richard went home from a week’s vacation here at the house. He was awesome to have home, and seemed to totally understand the disabilities that have come to have to live with. I am so blessed to have him and Robert in my life.

I’ve finally let go of HAVING to stay in this house. As time has gone on and I’ve been going through my recovery and in trying to find a new path for myself, I find that I am not going to be able to fulfill the optimistic dream I had for myself when I first fell out in February. That is alright, though — I”ll do what I can and get through it all and as long as I know that I am doing my BEST then I am not going to beat myself up (which I am SO very good at). I’m not looking forward to moving down to Fort Pierce, but at least we will be together, and I’ll make it a point to come up and visit Mom and Dad at least once a month. Perhaps in the future they will follow us wherever it is that we end up going. I sure hope that is the case.

That is it for today.

I don’t know if I should do this today, but something is leading me to.

Think back to your most important relationship, was it all your fault it’s over?
No. I don’t know that it was anyone’s “fault”. She did what she thought was right. She didn’t know it would hurt me for the rest of my life. I can still see her walking away from me at the adoption agency.

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?
No. Even though I play violent games, I really don’t like physical violence.

How often do you look out your window?
Every so often. Today I see dark clouds and rain… just like the last 3 days.

Do you think blondes are stupid, honestly?
No. Anyone can be stupid despite their hair color. I just think that some people are more naturally prone to seeing the world with much different perspectives – perhaps they are more innocent or less concerned over the mean facts of life – and see things more innocently. *shrug* Who knows? Then again, it might be the whole “too many bleach fumes” thing after all.

You’re thinking about someone right now, aren’t you?
Yes. More than one someone. Many someones. Missing them all. But mainly, missing me. Where did I go and who left this … this…. basket case here in my place?

You used to think you were a power ranger, didn’t you?
Ha! No. I never thought or dreamed of being any character on tv except for Uhura and Nurse Chapel. Oh and maybe Catherine, so I could have the connection that she had with Vincent, her Beast.

Has anyone ever cheated on their boyfriend/girlfriend with you?
Not that I know of.

Do you live alone?
No. Robert, Faith, Hope, Crash and I live together all of the time. Richard comes home when he can for as long as he can. I don’t know how long this seperation is going to last – I don’t know that I can take it for very much longer.

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
Not, not really. I love my home. Perhaps the only place I would really like to be is the forest in Washington State or Oregon. It is incredibly beautiful there.

Do you love where you live?
Please see above.

What were you doing 12 AM last night?
pacing because of restless legs and arms – again! So tired, but can’t sleep because of the phantom need to run or move my arms and even that doesn’t help, no matter how tired I make my limbs.

What can always put you in a good mood?
Right now, today, I cannot be put in a lasting good mood. I can have moments of bright happiness and humorous clarity, but I cannot remain in a good mood, and this scares me and makes me cry even more. Where is the girl that used to laugh and smile at everything and see the cup as 1/2 full and was thankful for it? Where the hell did she go?

Do you believe in love at first sight?
Yes. I believe that you can love someone from the moment you meet them. It doesn’t mean that love is the “we’ll be together forever” type of love, or that the love is sexual in nature. A few of my friends I have loved on first meet/sight and I still love them greatly. Now — LUST at first sight/conversation/telehone call? Oh YES. Definitely.

What would make you happy right now?
To have the crying jags go completely away. To find happiness in my heart all of the time instead of sorrow. To know the real Reason for the constant sorrow so that I can set it free and forgive. To have enough money to be able to give my loved ones the means to have if not carefree then at least comfortable lives so that they can stop slaving away and start really living. To once again find a purpose in my life. To once again be able to smile and mean it.

What are your plans for Thursday?
I have the pics of the clothes now, so I’m going to get them up on EBay and hopefully get some sold. I’m also going to be working on getting the patterns cut out for the various sizes of the Tunic/Pants set.

Do you think you’ve changed over the past year?
Oh yes. Very much so.

Is there someone you don’t ever want to be out of your life?
Richard, Robert, Gary, Ma, Dad, Mom, Paula, Cecil, Kristina, Heather, Kalie, Chris, Joe, Tiffany, Kyle, Taylor, Joseph, —- Everyone in my adopted family intentional family love family.

Where is your number one person on your friends list?
Hmmm I don’t remember exactly who that is, not having looked at my friends list lately, but if it is Richard well he is in the kitchen right now, doing something. Not sure what it is. Putting away dishes, maybe?

Are you wasting your time on someone?
Unfortunately, Archie and Lisa. They are never going to learn that you cannot start new relationships while your marriage is screwed up and not on solid ground. *big sigh* They are good people but I think they are both emotionally very, very young. I’m not wasiting my time, I’m just talking to brick walls.

Did you get 8 hours of sleep last night?
No. Restless legs. Finally fell asleep around 5am. Robert woke me up at noon as he left for work. So I guess that is 7 hours.

Last missed call?
Some Unknown phone number on the house phone. No message.

Last thing you drank?
Coffe with Dulche de Leche creamer.

Last song you heard?
The “wakeup” tones on my cellphone alarm

Do you get jealous easily?
No, not of my loved ones. I am envious of people who seem to have money fall in their laps, but I’m not jealous of my loved ones for what they have or can do or for the goodness in their lives. Yay that they have it! (example Richard has a girlfriend in Ft Pierce that he is really doing well with – Yay! – I’m very happy for them)

Do you hate anyone?
I don’t know that I would call it hate. I have feelings that have been hurt to severely that I will never be able to see that person without feeling them dead center in my chest. I don’t know how long that is going to last, so I am ever so grateful that I do not have to see this person ever. I feel sorry for him mostly, because he is so wrapped up in his little world of “I am a great Developer/Wheeler&Dealer!” that he steps on every single person around him and is dense enough that he doesn’t see the carnage he leaves behind. No wonder he has so many problems – son with autism and need a liver transplant, two ex-wives that are harpies and one of whom continually sues and counter-sues and re-sues him. He has so many little things happen to him (brand new beautiful 5 million$ house has this structural problem and that mechanical problem it is never ending) that Karma is obviously kicking him in the ass for what he does but he is so dense he doesn’t get it! Enough about that bastard. I don’t have time for this.

What color is your toothbrush?
Light Green

Do you miss anyone?
Right now, everyone that isn’t here with me right now.

Are you happy?
What is happy?

Is there something you need to get off your chest?
See above and possibly below.

Last person you sent a rude myspace message to? And why?
I don’t do that. It sucks when someone is rude to me, so why do I want to make someone else feel that way?

Next time you will have butterflies?
Probably the next time I think about getting a job outside the home and working for someone else. Again

Whose car were you in last?
Richard’s. He drove us to the grocery store yesterday.

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
Probably in a little bit as I go by him sitting at his computer.

What color shirt are you wearing?
Pink (with Betty Boop! on it)

How long is your hair?
Waist-length heading to the top of the bum.

Last movie you watched?
Not a movie, but caught up on CSI episodes for this season. Watching Amazing Grace next (if I can find it on the web)

What are you doing tomorrow?
Not sure. WoW is in there somewhere.

Ever gone camping?
yes

When was the last time you cried?
About 6 hours ago

Will this weekend be a good one?
I hope so.

Have you ever cheated?
Open question. Cheated on something or on someone? Cheated on something, no. Cheated on someone, yes. June of 1995 Jim and I were on the outs, again, and he was out of town, and I was horribly lonely. End of story.

Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it?
Not that I know of.

Would you ever quit a bad habit for someone?
I’ve done that many times. I usually go back, though. Habits are habits.

Who was the last person’s voice you heard?
Richard’s

Long time no write. I haven’t felt the need to; I’ve been sleeping a lot; I’ve been using the time that Mom has given me with the money to just relax, play my game, explore the web, and work on myself as I can.

I’ve decided that I have to get off of the pain drugs. I’ve gotten the methadone down to where I’m not taking it anymore. I’m not taking the Tramadol, either, unless I have really bad pain, which I’m trying to exercise out instead of medicate. That seems to be working, so far, but we will see. I vacuumed the whole house last Wednesday (the 1st) and it took me almost a week to recover (lots of sleep, bad pain in my hands and feet, but more elasticity in my shoulder).

Things are moving along with Archie/Lisa/Family, but I’m feeling weird, so I’m backing off again until they can meet Richard and I can get his impressions. Hopefully he’ll be coming home one of these days (He is off of work from the 16th through the 19th, but I don’t know if either of us are going to visit each other – finances being what they are and gas being the price it is). I would really like them all to meet before this goes any further, though.

Just a note: Buddha’s (Siddhartha Gautama’s) birthday (according to some) was on Wednesday, April 8th, 563 BC.

The Alliance guild is going pretty well. We have 60 members now, a website, Ventrilo, and 3 bank tabs. I’ve got 2 officers, a web guru, and I need to post this story about Dave Arneso to Spellweaver’s Legacy as a News Item. I found out about it from looking at my Facebook page and reading Fritz’s update.

Went through all of my Earthlink and Yahoo mails, answering those I could, and saving those that didn’t need answers, deleting the rest.

I have so many interests. Gaming, Sewing, Crafting, Music, Dance, Literature, Politics, Spirituality. I do not have time for them all. I cannot just pick one or two, though. I don’t know why. Perhaps I am afraid of downtime?

I like today’s Horospcope; Check yours out there, too.

It took me 5 hours to get my e-mail read. I’m going to have to make sure to do it every day, from now on.

OK – well I did not get my to-do list done, but, I did get it written, did banking, got all of the e-mail done, washed dishes, got dressed, did TaiChi, and now I’m going to go play Elphaine (my Horde Warlock). Remember – take advantage of the gifts that are given to you.

——————-

Next Day Update: Well, cutting out my pain meds was a stupid, stupid idea. I mean, getting off of the Methadone is good – and my pain management doctor should be pleased, but I can tell the difference, oh yes, very much so, as I have been gradually getting into more and more and more pain during the night and into the daytime. I did not sleep well at ALL last night, and finally gave in and took a Tramadol this morning around 7:30am. It must have worked some, because I slept until noon, but then had to take another one when I took my Prozac and Cymbalta, and I’m thinking about taking another one soon as the pain has not really diminished much. *sigh* In all reality, I may not be able to get off of the Methodone unless I can find something that bring the pain down to a liveable roar, because right now I just want it gone — everywhere, absolutely Everywhere hurts. Nnnngnggghhh.

I don’t know if I told you after he had his last surgery, but the polyps that they found were indeed cancerous. The cancer is the least invasive and volatile kind that you can have (he doesn’t remember the name of it), so that is good, but now we have to wait for the results of the wash and the biopsies, and then we go from there. Hopefully it is just the same as what Robert’s father has (every three months he goes in and they take out whatever polyps have formed in his bladder), and he says that it has “just become routine”. Let us hope for the best results.

In the meantime, Robert’s sister Christine, who is suffering from thyroid, pancreas, uterine and possibly kidney cancer, had her operation Tuesday morning to remove a spot on her pancreas. Again, we are hopeful that this nipped that one in the bud, and then she can continue to keep working on the others. The chemotherapy has brought her down to 97 pounds (and even though she is small boned and 5’2″, that is still too thin), but she keeps plugging along. It’s that Utess stubborness *big grin*. Robert wants to get together with Mom once she and Dad get back from Texas (where Christine is), and get a complete list of all of the things that everyone in the family has had, since it is apparent that cancer runs in the family, as well as arthritis.

As for me, each day is a new day. One day at a time. Some mornings are less painful than others, and I am grateful for that.

Richard and I talked a little bit last night, and hopefully the three of us will be able to sit and really talk this afternoon. There is a lot that needs to be said and brought out and kept or burned, depending, and we all need to get on the same page of Family survival. There is a lot of love there, so hopefully we’ll be able to get everything worked out and move on ahead as a Family.

We’ll probably be back in Summerfield Saturday afternoon. Hope is over a Heather’s house, having the time of her life with the boys — I don’t know if we’ll be able to get her back! lol Faith is here with us, and being wonderfully cushy and peaceful (she makes such a great pillow).

More reports to come from the continually Evolving Pathway.