I’ve been totally messed up still these last days. I have a call in to my doc ’cause she asked me to call today, and there’s good news and bad news. Good news is the pills for RLS work, bad news is not long enough (only about 3 hours). More bad news, my mind is thinking a mile a minute about books I’m reading or movies I’ve watched (I just finished the book New Moon again and am starting on Eclipse again, and Rob and I watched the original the Day the Earth Stood Still and the 2009 Remake last night – the remake was excellent – Keanu Reeves does aliens very very well lol) but I can’t get my mind to SHUT UP long enough for me to drift off – in fact I find my eyes opening and I’m staring off into space thinking. What a waste of the rls medication when I could be sleeping! Then, when my mind DOES shut up my legs and arms start going like there is a slight electric current running through them and I have to move them to get it to stop but it never really stops and sometimes it just gets worse and worse until I have to actually get up and move around and then I’m dead tired but moving around – sometimes I feel like a zombie – a member of the living dead – walking around this house. Hopefully things will be worked out soon and I’ll be able to go back to living, but right now I feel like I’m just existing. I have no desire to do Anything but try to sleep, and I’m afraid that if I attempted any physical activity at all I’d be dead-tired before I even started (very very frustrating).
And…. I’m very, very emotional and my thoughts are all over the place. Yesterday I was so upset at my continued illness and the fact that Richard and Robert have to deal with all of this – especially Robert. They both work so hard, and are such good people – they don’t deserve to have a crazy person in their lives like this. I was at the point of walking away – going for a walk into the woods and not coming back – and just letting my life end however it may. I’m so tired. My whole life I’ve kept going and going no matter what. I’ve taken care of myself or made sure that I was taken care of by one means or another, and I was tired of always having to be the responsible one for myself – having to be the one that comforted, or helped, or lifted up or took care of the problem. I didn’t want to do it anymore, and I was on the verge of actually getting dressed to go outside and walk and walk until I couldn’t walk anymore, when Robert came into the bedroom and put his arms around me and I just started sobbing and couldn’t stop – and I told him everything. Everything I was feeling and thinking – about his deserving more, about Richard deserving more, about how I just wanted to walk away and cease to exist. He comforted me and told me I wasn’t going anywhere and that he was happy with me and I asked him “right you’re happy with someone who is either sleeping or crying all of the time” and he said yes and wouldn’t let go of me but just held me until I started believing him. What a horrible, horribly bad day yesterday was.
Today I’m better, a little. I still didn’t get more than 3 or 4 hours of sleep, and right now I’m so tired but my legs and arms have the underlying current and I know I can’t sleep. I’m waiting for my doc to call me back, as I called her like she asked me to but of course she is busy so couldn’t answer her phone. That is alright – she will. And I’ll tell her everything, and hope that she says something that makes sense to me.
