I was feeling better today, and was doing a through things around the house – here and there – picking up and cleaning up and trying to get back to some semblence of life after the last week of no sleep and wishing I hadn’t thrown the methadone away and being so very, very grateful that I had. I had done a load of laundry and emptied the inside trash cans and taken the trash out to the outside cans, and I noticed that the folding chairs we had set up were full of water (having been inundated with rain for the last several weeks) and so I took them and turned them over so that they could drain and dry, and I noticed underneath one of them that there was a wasp’s nest, and automatically I came inside the house and got the wasp spray and sprayed the nest, and as I was doing so I saw that it wasn’t empty, that it had four of the small holes covered over, and I knew that I had killed for baby hornets, and for some reason the realization stabbed me in the heart and I felt guilty and horrible and a murderer, even though I know what a danger the insects can be. I tried to brush it off but the feelings overwhelmed me and I just burst out into tears.
When am I ever going to get my emotions under control again? Will I ever be able to.
